Kristie’s Story

My experience of postpartum psychosis was this past year, with my first daughter, and after two years of being married. Postpartum psychosis affects about 1-2 in 1,000 moms. I never had any psychiatric diagnosis prior to this. 

After delivery, I started to experience major sleep deprivation, and because our daughter was premature by a month, our home was not yet set up for her arrival. As soon as I got home, I’d wake up in the middle of the night with a feeling that I needed to clean/organize as much as I could, and that I didn’t need sleep. My husband knew something was off before I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and well before my diagnosis of PPP.  

My baby was diagnosed with a potential rare genetic disease, and I think this is where the bulk of my PPP started. I was convinced that we would be the ones to find a cure for her, and my baby was going to save the world. I had running thoughts that I wanted to write down on paper, and my mind felt like it was racing. I had paranoia that people were coming to get me and take me to the hospital to go through my c-section again. I went from room to room collecting mint green items in the middle of my living room. I believed people were paid actors, and I was unknowingly an actor too, and that the curtain would rise soon, and I’d realize I was on a televised show. I felt like I was in full control of myself even though I was out of control. I felt like I couldn't stop moving or I'd lose my train of thought.  

A security guard came who had a Jesus tattoo, so I trusted them. My husband eventually called 911 and I ended up being hospitalized at a psychiatric hospital for 5 days in mid-December with a diagnosis of PPP. It was tough being at a facility that was not made for nursing mothers. The staff tried their best to accommodate me, but there were some things that they couldn’t provide me with. I was only allowed to see my husband and baby for 30 minutes a day. Being separated from them was extremely difficult - I was only 2 weeks postpartum, and my husband had to figure out how to care for a newborn all on his own.  

I came out of the experience feeling like I missed out on a ton. and lacked confidence in how to be a mom to our baby. I was ashamed and embarrassed about all that happened because it's not a common thing to have experienced. I hated that I was apart from my husband and newborn, but I now know that I truly needed the help. It took me at least another few days coming out of the hospital for me to recover from PPP.  

Medicine did help and continues to help me, and I'm ultimately glad my husband called for help. It's a complete understatement to say that my postpartum experience was "tough," but it's hard to describe all that transpired, and it's not always something I want to share. Mental health can be extremely scary, but medicine and therapy can help. I experienced severe depression and anxiety after my PPP experience, which was extremely difficult in a different way.  

I’d like someone currently experiencing PPP to know that while it is uncommon, it can be treated. You are not alone even though it can feel lonely and like not many can relate to your story. There is light that can come from the darkness. Easier said than done to see it from this perspective but know that you truly are stronger than you know.