My first experience of postpartum psychosis was at age 24 when I had our first son Keileb and after five years of being married. I never had any psychiatric diagnosis prior to this. I had Keileb in 2011, and as soon as I got home with the baby, I began feeling overwhelmed and feeling that I didn't have what it took to care for the baby. I had an amazing support system: a loving husband, his mom, three sisters, brothers, sisters-in-law, and a church family. I was truly supported with our new baby.
My symptoms began the next day of being home with the baby. I began losing my appetite. I felt as if I was having random dreams that made sense to me. I had running thoughts, and I wanted to write them all on little papers. My baby would cry a lot, and at one moment, I saw him as a demon and a voice told me to smack him so he would be quiet — I never obeyed. The second day was similar. I didn't want to eat and had a lack of sleep. I was mean to my husband through it all. I tried to breastfeed, but the baby wouldn't latch. I felt so much frustration because of this.
At the same time, I began behaving in weird ways. At one specific moment, I peed on myself from laughing about something. I started hallucinating and felt darkness fill my apartment. I even soiled myself. My husband was feeling desperate, and all he did was call my sister-in-law to see if she knew what was going on with me. She told him to take me to her home. I had Keileb on a Saturday, and it was already Wednesday or Thursday when my husband took me to her house. She eventually told me that I slept maybe 20 minutes. It was a very hard time for my family. My sister-in-law had to bathe me because it didn't even cross my mind.
Finally, Friday came, and they called the ambulance. When the paramedics came, I started getting violent and angry, and I refused to go with them. I don’t remember most of this. They tied me onto their bed and took me. I knew I was being transported, but I was extremely confused. To make a long story short, I spent seven days between two medical hospitals. Doctors didn’t know what was wrong. Then finally a diagnosis came in: "Postpartum Psychosis." I’m the first one in my family to have postpartum psychosis. Then they transferred me to a psychiatric hospital, which I hated. My mind went in and out. I do remember being forcefully put in my bed and getting an injection. I remember feeling afraid of other patients but trying to speak to others and go to the groups.
Little by little, I began snapping out of the psychosis. That's when my family — except my husband — was able to see me. I was taking around three medications there. When I saw my mom and sister, I began to bawl and asked them "What happened to me?" And they explained what had happened. I knew I had a baby, but at first, I thought it was two babies. I spent five days in the hospital, and my husband was able to see me. The psychologist that was at the unit told me that I was acting like if I was Jesus. I do have a Christian background, but that was extreme for me — I had lost touch with reality. I couldn't believe it.
I finally went back home with medications and had to nap a lot to recover. It took a couple months to feel like myself again, but we got there. I believe in spiritual healing, but I now understand that it is okay to take medication, too.
Four years later, I had an episode of psychosis without pregnancy. That year, 2015, I went to psychiatric facilities four times. During that time, I was depressed, suicidal, anxious, and feeling worthless. In 2017, we had our second baby. Everything seemed great. I began to breast feed her, and I was enjoying this new stage.
But two weeks later, symptoms of postpartum psychosis began. I couldn't sleep a lot because of her waking up to eat, and I began feeling weird flashbacks of when I had Keileb. I called my pastor and told her everything, and she prayed for me with a group of leaders of my church. I began acting angry with my husband and eating less, and my husband recognized the symptoms. He called 911. They took me to a nearby psychiatric center, and they kept me there for three days. I seemed to have extreme bipolar episodes. I remember crying the first night and laughing the second night. I was a hot mess. But they released me, even though I wasn't ready. My husband drove me to a different ER, and they took me in for a longer time because I was acting unusual.
Fast forward, I couldn't continue taking my meds due to finances. I had no insurance. And two years later, I had another psychotic episode without pregnancy. To his day, I don’t get it. I'm not 100% clear on what caused it. I have had no one to explain what has happened to me. My oldest Keileb is 13 now, and my daughter is six. Now, it is 2024, and I am on a mood stabilizer medication and another to help with sleep. This whole situation broke me inside. Currently, I am going on 19 years married, and I am blessed. My mind is whole, healed, and I feel empowered and stronger. If you are going through this, please know you are not alone.
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